I have a confession to make, I’m not all that kind to myself. In fact, the way I speak to myself is sometimes outright horrible and if I ever spoke to a friend in the way I speak to myself then they wouldn’t want to be my friend any more. But here’s the thing, I have a strong suspicion that I’m not the only one who is guilty of this. It seems that more and more of use are starting to admit that whilst we may be lovely to everyone around us, and be genuinly lovely people, we aren’t so quick to extend that kindness to ourselves. In fact, we cross the line of not being kind straight into being outright cruel. We torture ourselves, hold ourselves to impossible standards and never build ourselves up in the ways that we’re so willing to do for others. Why is that?

It’s difficult to know why this is something that so many of us seem to battle with. Whether something has gone wrong or you just not happy with your appearance that day the knee-jerk reaction is to say something unhelpful and often unpleasant. If something goes wrong it’s never just a case of ‘whoops, that wasn’t ideal but learn and move on’, instead I opt to berate myself for hours, replaying the tiniest of details and how I should have gone about things differently, why it’s my fault that somthing went wrong, and of course why I’m an idiot for letting it go wrong in the first place. And yet, if a friend came to me with the same issue my response would be so different. It would be calm, non-judgemental, I’d certainly never be calling them an idiot and still reminding them hours later of what a ridiciculous mistake they had made. When it comes to speaking to ourselves there seems to be this awful double standard. That somehow speaking to other people in a nasty and vindictive way is off limits but when it comes to yourself? Well, you’re fair game.

For most of us these are patterns that have been learnt and perfected over the years, they’re such second nature to use that it’s easy to carry on without even realising how harshly you’re critiquing yourself. It’s so normal for me to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think “I need to sort out insert random body area and tone it up asap” that I hardly recognise how unkind that really is. It’s also uncomfortable to realise. It’s not nice to become aware of the way that you talk to yourself and how you have been doing so for years. But it’s important that we all become a little more mindful of this and how we can change it for the better.

I recently listened to a conversation with Wentworth Miller and he was discussing this topic, how if the voice that we speak to ourself in is the one that we hear most frequently then we need to make sure that it is a good voice and not one full of negativity. It really resonated with me and ever since I have started to try and be more mindful about how I’ve been speaking to myself. But it’s difficult. I’ve found myself in a frequent limbo of wanting to be kinder to myself whilst trying to balance working hard and keeping myself accountable. Honestly, I’ve found it tough. Looking out for yourself and being kind isn’t always as simple as enjoying the bar of chocolate or running the bath. More often than not it’s about making those sensible decisions, making yourself go for the workout, actually having an early night and tackling the daunting tasks that are causing you stress. But, whilst you do this you also need to maintain a positive narrative and that can feel quite the task if you aren’t used to it.

Over the recent weeks I’ve been making a concerted effort to be kinder to myself in a variety of ways, some quicker and more simple, others are taking more practice. There are easy every-day ones like if I’m coming home from a trip away with a large suitcase I just take the £5 taxi instead of struggling walking a mile uphill to get home. Some are more difficult though and these are the ones that are taking more practice. The biggest is just trying to be a little more mindful about how I’m speaking to myself and when I notice any negativity I try to counter it and think of somthing positive about myself instead. It’s a little cringey at first but I’ve found it has been helping to start to adjust my mindset very slightly. I’ve also been trying to see situations from a more objective perspective, using that guise of ‘what would I say if a friend came to me with this issue’ and then working ti from there. Taking a step back and being more objective has been a good way to help me step out of the situation, not get as emotionally invested and also see the reality of the situation.

Changing the way you speak to yourself, and ultimately improving the entire relationship you have with yourself, takes a lot of work. We’ve all been working for years, if not decades, on finding the perfect ways to beat ourselves up so it’s unreasonable to think that we will be able to snap out of it over night. But just because it is difficult doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth doing and that we shouldn’t be constantly working to have a more positive mindset and approach to ourselves. It’s something that you have to constantly work at but it’s definitely worth it. After all, we could all use a little more kindness in our lives.